My hands are not to be chewed on or bitten. On a related note, neither are my forearms, feet/toes, hair, face or any item of clothing, shoes included. Your father and I have spent both the time and money to get you a variety of toys specifically made for chewing. There’s the duck, pheasant, rope and mini tennis balls in addition to bones.
While we’re on the subject, could you please ease up on Velvet a little? I know she’s not much bigger than you and you’re getting closer to her size every day, but she’s just not as, um, spirited as you. And I know you’d rather her not have so much hair so you could get to her flesh more easily, but I think at this point her fluffiness is the only thing keeping her alive.
Your bloodied mother