Protected: Full disclosure

I don’t have any close friends, geographically speaking. My best friends from high school are scattered across the state and at various stages of forming a family – some are married with children, some are with children and getting married, and some are still as single as I was my sophomore year in college (read: VERY. single).

My closest friends now are all friends I’ve made through my husband. (Side note: It’s still really fun to call him my husband.) Even friends I’ve made at work knew him years before I met them.

The one friend I’ve become close to here is actually the girlfriend of my brother-in-law (husband’s brother). She was actually one of my two bridesmaids – one I wouldn’t differentiate from my best friend of years in my wedding.

When I found out I was pregnant, she was one of the first people I told. She knew before our families knew, including both our moms. Recently, she’s been the first person I’ve gone to with Big Life Stuff in general.

And, for the most part, she’s reciprocated. There have been three major-ish letdowns I can think of, but they’re more than likely only a big deal in my head because I’ve been pregnant and, well, these pregnancy hormones are kicking my ass. However, these letdowns have left me with a general yucky feeling at times, like I’m just waiting for her to let me down again. But she’s come to me with pregnancy scares and asked me to be with her in case she decided to do things that some family members might not support. We were there for each other both through break-ups with the brothers.

I’m telling you all of this because it’s important to understand that when I tell you this:

Tonight, she and her boyfriend (my husband’s brother) announced that they’re expecting a baby in March.

………………..

I still don’t know exactly how I feel.

Jealous.

… Though I’m not really sure why, because we’re already having a child of our own, and we’re happily married.

 Hurt.

Mostly hurt, actually. Like I said, I told this girl I was pregnant before any of my family knew. Tonight, she said most of her family already knew… and this is how she lets me know? It would have been nice to have a heads up so I didn’t have to run off to the bathroom shortly after the announcement to cry in privacy.

Back-stabbed.

This one’s difficult, and that’s partially because the term “back-stabbed” isn’t completely accurate but I can’t think of a better one at 11 pm on a Saturday night. But there is a part of me that is feeling a little betrayed and like they’re stealing our little moment of glory. Even though I really do believe this wasn’t a planned thing for them.

………………..

I’m doing my best to work through a lot of ugly emotions right now, not only the three above but an odd combination of the three and a lot of other ones I can’t really figure out well enough to name. There’s a little guilt in there, because I want so badly to be excited for them… I know I will, in time, but right now I’m not and that hurts me. And I’m ashamed because I feel the way I do.

I miss having that One Friend with me, near me, that I can count on for everything. No letdowns, no wondering or guesswork. And I know the part I mentioned earlier, about how I told her I was pregnant way before anyone else, and she didn’t return that back to me, plays into that.

Maybe this is all silly, and maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel completely differently.

Or maybe not.

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