Three months

Dear E,

I can’t believe that three months ago, you were making your grand entrance into this world. And I can’t decide whether I feel like it was “only” three months ago, or “already” three months ago. It’s a little of both, I guess, but regardless… you are three months old.

You are smiling – GRINNING – and cooing and making all kinds of vowel noises. You’re on the brink of laughter; it’s close, just not quite there. You’re going to roll over all by yourself any day now.

You are picky, like me – you know what you want when you want it, and sometimes what you want is nothing close to what you wanted 10 minutes ago.

You get hot at night, like your dad. But your hands and feet get clammy and cold, like mine.

You LOVE bath time, but HATE after-bath time. Lotion isn’t really your thing.

You HATE having a wet diaper, therefore LOVE having your diaper changed.

You do not like when I eat spaghetti (or other tomato-y foods).

You get shy sometimes when you smile really big, and you try to hide your face in my chest.

Sometimes when I’m holding you, E, I stop in front of a mirror and look at you, really look at you. And when I stop and really look at you, I see my heart. When I hold you, I hold my heart. It’s terrifying to think that my heart is there, in my arms, outside of my body. I’ll always do everything in my power to protect you, little man, but it’s been an adjustment trying to accept the fact that I have to let you go a little bit.

It was hard leaving you to go back to work when I returned part-time. It’s been difficult, too, transitioning back to full-time work. I feel like I never get to see you, even though I fully devote each and every evening to YOU.

I love you. I’ve never loved anything or anyone so much, so deeply, so intensely. I never imagined a love like this could exist.

I know that one day, I’ll show you this letter (and the ones I write after this… which hopefully happens every month) and you’ll probably laugh. You’re a MAN, after all – and in our family, men don’t do mush. But I hope that when you read these words, even if you don’t show it, I hope you understand my love for you. I hope you understand that when I get mad at you, it’s because I love you… likewise, when I laugh at you, or when I yell at you, it’s because I love you. Everything I do for you, everything I do, is because I love you.

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