I have good days and I have bad days.
I realize this is a common occurrence. Everybody has good days and bad days. But I have good days, and I have BAD. DAYS.
My good days are… good. Today was a good day. I wasn’t angry when I left home for work. Work went well – I got a lot done, didn’t feel stressed, and actually got some things figured out that have been hanging over my head for awhile. Today was a good day and for that, I am beyond thankful.
But man. I have bad days. My bad days are BAD. Like, l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y. want to dig a hole and bury myself in it bad. Angry before 8:00 a.m. bad. Peel out in the driveway and throw gravel with my car tires bad. Hate my husband for no reason whatsoever (not “no good reason,” but NO. REASON.) bad. Lash out irrationally at my husband bad. Feel like a complete failure and hate the fact that I’m a mother bad. Because on my bad days, I feel like a bad human, and bad humans shouldn’t be mothers.
But it’s more than that. On my bad days, I’m selfish. I don’t want to put somebody else first. On my bad days I wonder, “What about ME?”
On my bad days, I don’t want to pump at work – I want to give up breastfeeding altogether. On my bad days, I don’t want to change a single goddamn diaper. On my bad days, I’ll be the first to tell you how much I love my son… but I’ll neglect to tell you that I’m also not in a hurry to get home from work to see him.
On my bad days, I don’t want to be a mom.
Don’t worry, that sentence was harder for me to write than it was for you to read it. But the whole point of this series is to say the shit that never gets said. So, there it is. Something I don’t want to be a mom. THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T LOVE MY SON. That just means shit is real, being a mom is hard, and I’m tired.
But on my good days? I relish in the fact that I’m a mother to this beautiful, amazing little boy.
Because that’s what he is – an amazing LITTLE BOY. He has teeth now! And I sweartogod he’s going to start walking any day now (only exaggerating a little bit). Rolling over? Sure, when he feels like it. (He’s definitely my son – lazy.) Crawling? Eff that. But this kid is going to bust out in a sprint before I know it.
I have good days and I have bad days. The good days are what get me through the bad days.