Know of a house for sale?

I mean, in the town I live in currently.

And if you could meet the following specifics (at minimum), that’d be great, too:

  • Three bedrooms, including a master bedroom with its own bathroom and walk-in closet
  • Two bathrooms
  • An office
  • Two car garage
  • Separate shop of… a good size for a shop (I don’t know or really care, I wouldn’t use it)
  • Big, open floor layout (kitchen, dining room, living room open)
  • A kitchen with lots of storage space
  • Two floors wouldn’t be a bad thing
  • A large, fenced yard
  • OR, say, about five acres
  • Deck/patio in the back
  • Enclosed back “porch” or laundry room or something (so we can install a doggie door but still have a door into the rest of the house that we can lock, y’know?)
  • I wouldn’t complain about stainless steel appliances in the kitchen
  • An underground sprinkler system
  • Preferrably on the outskirts of town, if not completely out in the “country” (anyone else ever notice how weird that phrase really is?)
  • Central AC/heat

I could go on. Also if you’d be willing to sell for, say, $80,000 and let us pay you directly (no loans, please), that’d be great, thanks!

… if you can’t tell, I’m damn tired of this house shack shithole we’re living in. No offense if you’re white trash, but… I feel like white trash. In a house blanketed in dust because the sand dunes are right frickin’ there, which really wouldn’t be so bad if the seals and whatnot weren’t so horrible on every window and the one door (yeah, we don’t even have a back door, how safe is that?!) in the house.

Ugh.

Tell me how first time home buyers, who aren’t married and have two car loans they’re paying off, are supposed to get a loan for a house. Tell me. PLEASE!

I mean, not that we’ve even really tried. Because I know as soon as I hear “no” from a bank I’m going to burst into tears. frickfrickfrickfrick