Feelings and time and change

Originally posted on From Lemons to Lemondrops 12/6/2012

Something’s gotta give.

I feel stuck. Not happy and stuck and I’ve reached my limit. My life cannot possibly hold any more unhappiness without me actually bursting at the seams.

I feel like I’m suffocating. Pinned between a rock and a hard place, as they say. I can’t move or breathe and I’m claustrophobic and I need out rightfuckingnow.

Time is moving in slow motion. Minutes take hours, hours take days, days take weeks. Time drags on but before I know it there’s no time left.

There’s an urgency in my unease, desperation in my… desperation. I know change takes courage and time, and I’m seriously lacking in both areas. Change – big change, change that matters, that makes a difference – is neither immediate nor easy.

That’s the thing with me, right here, right now – I’ve been here so long I feel like I can’t handle being here for even one more second. I need to get out, want to run away, feel the wind blowing in my hair, never look back.

Maybe one day I will look back and realize things weren’t so bad. Maybe I’ll be filled with regret, or maybe I won’t.

Or maybe one day I’ll look back and see that everything’s exactly the same.

Then who’s to blame?