I can’t even with the words right now.
I am back and recovering from the physical and emotional shit-storm that was Bloggers in Sin City.
Something in me has changed. Something subtle, but very real. I feel myself walking a little bit taller (which is great when you’re 5’1″) and holding my head a little higher (which is unexpected after a weekend in mother-effing VEGAS). I am more Kaci today than I was before Thursday.
This unconference has changed my life in ways I’m sure I haven’t even discovered yet. And while I have a series of posts about the trip planned, there are some things I need to say before I get to all of that.
But mostly, I need to talk a little more in general about my trip, my justification for it (not that I need to justify myself to y’all – but to justify it to myself) and basically just why the fuck I had to go.
I think it’s easy for new moms to completely devote themselves to their new life as a mom. Not “easy” as in “not a lot of work” or “not difficult to do,” but easy as in… that feels like what we should be. We feel like we must completely BE our new title, 100% of the time.
Yes, I’m a mom. And I love you E, but…
I’m still Kaci. I still like to have fun and get dressed up and wear pretty things and laugh at ridiculous things. I still like to talk to other females about things that aren’t poopy diapers and crazy toddler antics.
I still have all of these feelings and likes and dislikes and thoughts and feelings about things that have nothing to do with being a mom. And that’s okay.
I’ve known that this is all okay, but it wasn’t until Katherine and I were talking about it in Vegas that I fully understood why I know it’s okay to still be me, to retain all the parts of myself that make me who I am.
If I lose myself, forget myself, and am nothing but about E all the time, all day, every day, forever and ever amen… the chances that E will learn that the world is NOT about E all the time, all day, every day forever and ever amen, are slim to none. How can I hope for him to grow into a kind, selfless, thoughtful man if I teach him now that my life is the E Show?
My family will always be The Most Important, but I have to remember Kaci. Which, is why I can say…
I love you E, but I went to Vegas.