My love/hate relationship with money

You know what? Life is hard.

Sometimes you work and you work and then both you and your husband work so you can stay afloat and pay all your bills and be responsible and then what? You have $14 left in your bank account and you wonder why you work so damn hard if you’re still going to be broke as shit anyway. Honestly, I’d rather be broke and stay home with E than be broke and be stressed at work and upset that I’m not with my son and that he is going to have somuchfuckingfun at the fair with his grandma and not with me.

I hate money. I mean, I love money, but I HATE money. I hate that it’s money that makes the world go ’round. I hate that everything I do, I’m thinking about money – how much it costs (too much), how much I can save (not enough), how much we have left (next to nothing).

It makes me want to throw some clothes in a suitcase, throw everything else in some cheap storage units close to where we live and throw away all my responsibilities and go. Just go.

Like here. I could go here.

(But that would take money.)

Each morning before E wakes up and after my husband leaves for work, I cry. Each morning as I drive to drop E off at his aunt’s or grandma’s, I cry. Each afternoon as I drive to pick him up, I cry. And in between? I hold back the tears, because I’m at work and I can’t just sit around crying.

Our system is flawed. Society is flawed. Being a parent is heart-breaking enough on its own. When you throw in the additional heartbreak of having to leave your child each and every day, against your will, in the care of someone else (regardless of how loved and cared for they are by this other person)… I just. I can’t. I do not for one moment believe this is the way we are meant to live. But I don’t, for the life of me, know how to fix it.

Short of winning the lottery, of course. Because I know they say money can’t buy happiness, but money sure as hell can make it easier to find happiness.

6 Comments

  1. San said:

    Kaci, I feel you. I’m not a mom, but I know enough moms who feel exactly like you do. And I hate being so dependent on money…. hugs.

    Thursday, August 15, 2013
    Reply
    • Kaci Johanna said:

      Oh, I definitely know I’m not alone in this feeling. I JUST MISS MY KID SO DAMN MUCH! All day, every day. Sucks!

      Thursday, August 15, 2013
      Reply
  2. Cat said:

    it is most certainly not how we were meant to live. and money does suck. it just does. i’m sorry.

    is there anything you can do freelance? anything you make that you could sell as a side gig? which- i know- totally the last thing you have time for, ever, at all. but if you ever have an idea and want help with the numbers or an ear to bounce things off of, or help launching something, i’m right here for you. it’s the best i can do.

    much love for you mama. xo

    Saturday, August 17, 2013
    Reply
  3. terra said:

    I can only imagine how tough this must me. I think we, in this country, really are screwed up because we don’t give nearly enough maternity leave, if we give any at all, and that’s just shit.

    Tuesday, August 20, 2013
    Reply
  4. Amy said:

    I so feel you. I don’t think I could stay home *every* day but I dream of the day I can work from home, or work part-time, so I can spend more time with Eli and any other kiddos that may come along. I miss him so much – by 3pm I’m chomping at the bit to get out of work and the last couple hours just drag. My mom stayed at home with us, and only now I realize how good we had it.

    Tuesday, September 10, 2013
    Reply
  5. Debra said:

    The new Zune browser is surprisingly good, but not as good as the iPs8d#&217;o. It works well, but isn’t as fast as Safari, and has a clunkier interface. If you occasionally plan on using the web browser that’s not an issue, but if you’re planning to browse the web alot from your PMP then the iPod’s larger screen and better browser may be important.

    Sunday, November 6, 2016
    Reply

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