There will be no winner in this war.

There will be no victor, nobody succumbing to glorious defeat. There will be no white flag, no surrender. No triumph.

No, there will be no winner.

Only casualties.

Cold, hard hearts walking among the living, breathing, functioning. It’s an act, a grand performance. Can you tell? Cold, hard hearts just trying to find a home, trying to find happiness.

And maybe that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach will never go away. Maybe I’ll always have a little pain, a little regret, a little guilt. Maybe I’ll always be a little sorry.

Maybe the casualties of this war aren’t visible, aren’t tangible. But the casualties are real. The tears are real. Don’t think my tears aren’t real just because you don’t see them.

Nobody will win this time.

{image: blue sky}

Writing my heart out

I’m home sick with strep until Friday (UGH)… and what the heck else is a girl supposed to do with that much free time but drool, drool, drool over clothes?

Have I mentioned lately how much I love clothing from Victoria’s Secret? Sorry about the bias, but sometimes I just can’t take my eyes off the VS website. I’ll try to limit myself to three from VS in each category… keyword: TRY.

SWEATERS

Boucle Bomber Sweater

I have this bomber sweater in black and absolutely adore it – wear it all the time. A tan one would pretty much complete my wardrobe. Okay, maybe not. But I reallllly want one.

Braided Boatneck Sweater

Hello, pretty! This can also be worn off the shoulder, a la the default at VS. So pretty.

Cableknit Bed Jacket

So, yeah. Not really a fan of the name of this one, but I’ve been eyeing it for the better part of a year. Or maybe an actual year, I’m not sure. Regardless, I want it. In blue.

Fab Cable Sweater Tunic

So, yeah, this girl definitely forgot her pants when she showed up for this photo shoot, but the sweater’s cute, no?

SWEATERDRESSES

Slouchy Cable Sweaterdress

I am so 100% in love with this dress. I’ve been on a bit of a self-imposed shopping ban (save for a couple pairs of decently priced shoes recently), but this one just might break that ban. Oh love.

V-neck Cable Sweaterdress

Holy simply and pretty.

JACKETS

For some reason, I’m loving the leather jacket look this fall. I’m not entirely sure I could pull it off, but I like the idea anyway. Also, if anyone could find me a cute, affordable pea coat with a hood? I just might kiss you.

Hooded Leather Jacket
Leather Buckle-front Motorcycle Jacket

I know, right? Motorcycle jacket? Me? But it looks cute.

Canvas Two-for-One Trench Coat

Knit Trench Coat with Tweed Effect
Hooded Knit Jacket

Huh. See a trend with those last three jackets?

BOOTS, BOOTS, BOOTS

Studded Moto Babe Boots

To go with my motorcycle jacket, perhaps? Ha.

Fashion What Kaci Wants

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now.

I’ll be the first to admit that life is no picnic. Quite the contrary, life is hard. Everything about it, it’s hard.

Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.

But you know, I really wouldn’t have it any other way, given that all the ugliness I’ve experienced up to this exact moment in my life has gotten me, well, here. And while here is not joyful, while here is full of pain and confusion, here is also… well, beautiful. Because here is real, and you can’t get much better than real.

But sometimes, it’s figuring out what’s real that’s the problem. It’s deciphering, decoding.

It’s pulling your head out of your ass, putting on your big girl panties and finding your happiness.

{image: big blue}

Etc.

{MAW}

Molly. Molly, Molly, Molly.

You know, sometimes I’m actually kind of surprised we’re still friends. Not because I don’t love you to pieces, and not because I don’t think we have a strong bond (and definitely not because you’re ugly)… but because of all the crap we’ve been through.

Remember that time you were engaged and ridiculously happy about it, and I was a really horrible friend and instead of being happy for you, I got jealous and upset?

Yeah, stuff like that.

But that’s the thing with us. We can do that and… well, it’s not okay, but we try to understand each other. It may get ugly, and it may be hurtful, but we try. We always end up okay, one way or another… even if it does take awhile.

I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry. You’re ugly.

{Day 16: Someone not in your state/country}

30-Day Letter Project