In a perfect world, I would read more blogs and comment more on the blogs I do read.

In a perfect world, I would maintain a hand-written planner (and own an Erin Condren – or something similar).

In a perfect world, I’d have the energy to work an 8-hour day, come home to clean and make dinner for my family.

In a perfect world, I’d find the time to dust, sweep and vacuum the 2-3 times a week it’s necessary to do so in my house.

In a perfect world, I’d keep up on Twitter.

In a perfect world, I’d communicate with my family on a regular basis… somewhere other than Facebook.

In reality, I don’t.

And I’m trying to convince myself that it’s okay.

Mamahood

Things have been a little crazy around here lately. Hunting season is upon us, so the husband has been spending his spare time preparing for that. E is growing like a weed and has been getting into everything (see also: that cliche parenting question, “Where DOES the time go?!”) and it’s just so fun watching him explore and learn. September at work is always a madhouse.

And…

With four other lovely ladies, I’ve started a new collab blog! I mean, it was Katherine’s brainchild, and she brought the five of us together, but we are all so proud of and excited about From Lemons to Lemondrops!

We’re all experiencing some transitions in our lives right now – from (still) adjusting to mamahood (me), to moving halfway across the country (Katherine), to learning to live in a new country – and will be writing about those life adjustments at From Lemons.

I’ll still be writing here, of course – but I’m hoping From Lemons will allow me to get back to some of my pre-baby blog content here at Kaci Johanna. Remember when I used to find joy in clothes and shoes and things outside of being a mom? Yeah, me too – BARELY.

So anyway, go check it out! But don’t forget about me here.

Also, gratuitous adorable Baby E photo:

 

SOMEbody likes Oreos.

E Etc.

My mind is racing, jumping from one thing to another. Worry, stress, frustration. I don’t like this constant weight on my chest. Sometimes all I want is a little more help, a little more support… and sometimes all I get is a little more guilt, a little more frustration.

I’m accustomed to feeling alone in this world; maybe this is the self-fulfilling prophecy at its finest.

E is, more often than not, the only thing that keeps me going. He is my reason. He makes my heart soar, especially when he does things like this:

image

Unfortunately, E is also the source of a lot off my unrest. He doesn’t like me much. I suppose that’s not the most accurate description, but when he literally pushes me away and criiiiies, cries cries when I try to hold him while his dad is in the room… well, it feels like he doesn’t like me. Which is a pretty crappy feeling. I know it’s the product of my husband staying hone with him while I work, and it would be three opposite if I stayed home while P worked, but that isn’t any consolation, really.

I need a release, an escape, from the stress, the worry. The guilt. The hurt.

Writing my heart out

I’m not gonna lie: I feel pretty bad-ass right now. We’re talking invincible.

A sink full of dishes + two loads of laundry + a crabby, tired, possibly teething 9.5 month old?

I got this shit.

This feeling is rare, so when it hits me, I relish it. I let myself feel awesome, because I know that even when I’m not feeling so awesome… well, I’m still pretty awesome.

I know, I know… that’s a lot of awesome for one sentence.

Anyway.

I came home from work today with a lot on my plate: We are hosting an 11-year-old boy (a relative of my husband’s) this week while he attends a hunter’s education class in my little town. P and E were out of the house most of the day today, so I knew there was housework waiting for me (see above: dishes & laundry). The crabby baby was a surprise, but I took it in stride.

Where am I now? Sitting at a clean kitchen table, with an empty sink, while the clothes are drying. And that crabby baby… is napping.

BAZINGA!

{Photo credit}

E Shit They Don't Tell You