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It’s crazy to think that a year ago today, I was in the hospital and I hadn’t seen this beautiful face yet.

It’s hard to believe an entire year has passed already, but at the same time it’s hard to imagine life without E.

He is the single best thing to ever happen to me. He is funny (so funny!) and sweet (so sweet!) and amazing. He is the only person on this planet who can make me angry while simultaneously making my heart burst with joy and pride. He consistently keeps me in check, makes me more aware of my thoughts and actions than ever before. He makes me want to be better. I am better because of him.

I thought today would be different. Bigger. But E’s first birthday came and went without much fanfare. Maybe that’s because we had his party last weekend, but regardless… I’ve realized that watching him grow up is better done gradually, enjoying the subtle moments, than in specific steps. The little things are the big things.

And you, little man, are the biggest. I love you.

Etc.

OH HEY.

I have a blog.

I posted this earlier today on From Lemons, and actually kind of liked it (despite it being a little disjointed) (and want to stop neglecting my own personal space here), so I’m posting it here, also.

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Song on repeat. Feel, think, ignore, repeat. Repeat. Repeat, repeat.

“The Circle of Life.” Fucking Disney, man. “Happily ever after” has been beaten into our heads for so long we think it’s a reality, we think it’s our god-given right.

It’s our choices that define us – not what we want or feel or say or think, but what we actually do with those wants, feelings, words and thoughts.

“Live your bliss.”
 
“Follow your heart.”
 
“Dream big.”

These are all things I believe whole-heartedly, passionately.

… If I trust you, I’ll be the first to tell you I’m a different person inside than I appear to be on the outside. That sounds a lot uglier than it is to me in reality, but I guess it’s possible I’m in denial. (Though, I guess it’s also possible I’m schizophrenic and have multiple personalities.)

Song lyrics are often words I fail to come up with on my own. I play them over and over, letting the words wash over me and take me far, far away from the trouble of here. More often than not, I repeat the words verbatim as if I’m speaking to someone… and I lose track of who I’m talking to. Music is my savior and enemy. It speaks to me and puts thoughts in my head.

What do your desires say about you? What about your feelings, words, thoughts?

What about your actions?

Writing my heart out