My life, in a nutshell

I’ve started preparing for my maternity leave. It’s all still a little unclear when exactly I’ll be leaving and when I’ll be returning, but the basic, tentative plan is to leave for Thanksgiving break and now return until sometime in mid- to late- January. I have about a bazillion Word documents under construction at work, with step-by-step instructions on how to do All Of The Things that need to be done while I’m gone. With screenshots. Because I’m a control freak and it all needs to be done My Way. Otherwise it’s wrong. Obviously. But, I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself for not adding to the bottom of each mini-manual, “Just call me if you have any questions!”

I’m tired. So tired. I don’t have the energy to be Superwoman, but apparently I need to find said energy because apparently that’s just the way things are going to be. There’s a phrase, “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” It’s never really struck home with me until now. Except now, it’s more like, “If you want something done at all, you have to do it yourself.” And so, yes, I’m tired. But I’m slowly accepting the fact that for the next 18+ years of my life, I’m just going to be fucking tired. Get used to it, lady.

I hurt. All over, everywhere. Baby is a mean little boy (and I say that with more love than you can possibly imagine… even when I call him a little jerk). Yesterday I could actually feel his little foot on my rib. You know, that one rib that’s already poking out an inch further than all my other ribs. I really didn’t realize pregnancy could be so painful. I mean, I knew giving birth would be painful, but when I still have almost two months to go? Seriously, didn’t know I’d hurt this bad. There’s nothing I can do for any extended period of time without being in pain. Can’t stand for too long – it hurts my back and ankles. Can’t sit for too long – it hurts my shoulders, ribs and back. Can’t lay in bed in the same position for too long – it hurts everything. I am constantly waking up through the night – a night when I only wake up twice is a GOOD. NIGHT. The other night, I woke up at 11:30, 12:30, 3:30 (hooray for three consecutive hours of sleep!) and 5:00 before finally getting out of bed at 5:45. Fuck me.

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Baby showers are coming up. My sister is planning one at her house that will turn into an over-nighter for some of us, and I’m so, so excited. Mostly because she keeps talking to me about the food that will be there. We’re doing a fall theme (since the nursery will be decorated in forest animals, it kind of fits) and the desserts? Apple crisp and pumpkin pie. Yum. Also, yes I realize how kind of ironic it is that we’re decorating in forest animals. “Aw look, Baby. See how cute that little deer is? And the bear? DADDY KILLS THOSE AND SOMEDAY YOU WILL TOO.We’re a morbid family. But look at the cute things that are already on their way to us!

My family members kind of kick ass.

Last weekend, my best friend (who never tweets) came to visit. She taught me how to make homemade peppermint patties (that I wish I had pictures of, but I don’t) and if you know me at all you know that’s a big deal because hi, I don’t bake. But, as P says, I didn’t even use the oven so technically it wasn’t baking, but whatever. I MADE CANDY. It was good. We also made this homemade Winger’s sauce/chicken and I almost almost died it was so good. I miss Winger’s. (No, Winger’s is not paying me to say that, nor am I receiving free food from them. But, hey, Winger’s PR people? I’D DEFINITELY TAKE SOME FREE FOOD FROM YOU GUYS.)

Picture not mine

Annnnd now I’m hungry. Again. Because I can’t eat a proper meal these days and instead have to eat 5-6 kiddie-sized meals because there’s no more room in my belly, y’all.

Lately…

I recently realized that although I’ve been doing a lot lately, not many people know about it! That’s me being a bad blogger. Where the updates at, yo?

Lately, I’ve been thinking wedding, wedding, wedding. I can’t believe how quickly July has come (um, hello end-of-June, where the fuck did you come from?!) and The Big Day is in two and a half weeks. (Oh. Shit.) I still need flowers (shut up). Also, what the hell are the groomsmen going to wear? Also also, how do you convince the groom-to-be that he should, I don’t know, ask his groomsmen to be his groomsmen? Also, shit.

Cheeeeeesecaaaaake.

Lately, though, I’ve also been getting excited about the wedding. I found my dress (no pictures, sorry – it’ll just have to be a surprise!) and lots of cute decorations for the reception, and I have a pretty good plan to do something to honor my dad during the ceremony and reception. I think a lot of my excitement is because of the cheesecake. No wedding cake for us. Just cheesecake.

Lately, I’ve been doing my best to enjoy my last child-free summer. I’m sure next year I won’t have many opportunities to kick my feet up and sit on our front porch, laptop in… lap, and enjoy the sunshine, breeze and superannoying dogs. I know next summer will be full of a million other simple pleasures, so I’m trying to soak up these simple pleasures. While I can.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about boy vs. girl. Do I want to buy camo or pink (camo)? Do I want to play dress up or cops and robbers? (Not that girls can’t wear regular camo or play cops and robbers, but you get my point.) As our 20-week ultrasound draws nearer (July 13!), I find my mind wandering to boy vs. girl quite often. Will we have a son, or will we have a daughter? And, one step further… If we have a son, what kind of man will he be? Or if we have a daughter, what kind of woman will she be?

Lately, I’ve been wondering what kind of mother I’ll be. I think I ask P about once a week, “Do you think I’ll be a good mom?” He always says that yes, of course, he knows I’ll be a good mom. But when I ask, I secretly mean so much more than that. I mean, what kind of mom do you think I’ll be? Strict, but caring? Care-free, but thoughtful? I’m a firm believer that parents never really have it figured out, and that I’ll never know what kind of mom I actually am, because I’ll forever be learning and evolving not only as a mother but as a person… but I can’t help but wonder.

Photos: colemama, Tyler

Currently

Alternately titled: The one where I write about a whole lot of random shit going on in my life AT THIS VERY moment, as in literally THIS VERY MOMENT but not really generally in my life, therefore it’s not really meaningful whatsoever but I’m going to write about it anyway because I haven’t actually written anything for a bit and I’ve been home alone for more than two hours already and it’s only 3:45 in the afternoon and YES that means I got off work at 1:30 today and YES that means The Boy is out doing something constructive with his life. For once.

I kid, I kid. He’s done a couple other constructive things with his life.

ANYfuck. Currently?

I am currently totally completely utterly in love with my job. How cool is that? I mean, really, how many people do you know who can say that? NO REALLY I’M ASKING YOU because this is still a totally new idea in my life. Whodathunk?

I am also currently carrying my laptop with me from room to room while I clean, therefore am typing this between scrubs and folds (laundry, hello) and sweeps and vacuums and texts (yes, text messaging is a very important part of cleaning house… so is blogging, obviously).

My house is currently being taken over occupied by 3 cats, 4 kittens and 4 dogs. And another litter of kittens on the way. I am literally becoming the crazy old cat lady on the hill, except for that whole thing about me only being 23, which doesn’t really qualify me as old at all unless I’m talking to my little cousin who just graduated from high school, in which case I feel REALLY old, and except for all the dogs and except for the fact that I also live with a boy. But other than that, I’m definitely the crazy old cat lady on the hill. Because, well, I’m a lady and I live on a hill. And then there’s the crazy.

My house currently also STINKS LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE. Except maybe you would believe it because of all the fucking animals I just described. And now maybe you understand the cleaning spree and also may you understand why I’m taking breaks to write all this. Because I can’t breathe.

I am currently working on a website. Well okay, this isn’t so much RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT but really more general in my life right now, but I’m including it anyway because I! am! excited! I’m not telling you what or who it’s for yet but don’t worry, I’ll let you know about it when I’m done. One or two of you out there might care.

I am currently out of breathe from having lifted a 50-pound bag of dog food. Okay so I’m also currently a big fucking liar because I just checked and actually it’s only 32 pounds but DAMN! We have two 32-pound bags of dog food! What is wrong with us? (Answer: Nothing. We live in BFE so we buy in bulk. Or something.)

I’m currently avoiding the dishes. And putting away the clean laundry. Because I HATE dishes (unless they’re clean) and I HATE putting away the clean laundry. Washing the laundry? Fine. Even the sorting (which The Boy does not do AT ALL) of the laundry is fine. But I HATE putting it away because damn me right to hell, I’m a little OCD about how and where the laundry is put away TO. Like, my black tanks HAVE to go there and my white tees MUST go there and The Boy’s tees have to go in this order and they all have to go after his button-ups and and and. And. It’s kind of a pain in the ass, alright? There. I said it.

I’m currently still. sick. And I’ve been coughing a lot and really? I’m still writing this? Sorry.

{Post image via here.}

The huntress

Remember that one time my cat, Sable, got shot with a pellet gun by some asshole? And remember how the vet was all, oh, she might need surgery but I totally can’t do it so I’ll have to refer you to someone else and oh BY THE WAY it’ll cost, like, $1,500 and oh hey also it may or may not actually benefit Sable? And remember how she was all, oh you could also consider AMPUTATION and then tears of OH MY FUCKING AMPUTATION?!?!??? came pouring out of my eyes?

And then remember how I was all, like, eff that, I’m not cutting off my cat’s damn leg. It’s her LEG! And also her front shoulder is already kinda messed up so how awful would that be of us to cut off her hind leg when her front is kinda sorta screwy?

Remember how we decided to just “wait it out” (code: I’m too chicken shit to make a decision so I’m just going to act like everything’s okay and, hopefully, everything WILL be okay)?

Well, we waited.

And LET ME TELL YOU. Sable is doing mighty fine.

How do I know, you ask?

Well, how many cats with a shattered femur do you know who can, after healing ON HER OWN for months, catch a damn mouse outside?

Yeah, she caught a mouse. She hunted. She stalked, she chased, she caught.

And then she wouldn’t let any of us (her kittens (who, by the way, are HUGE and also ENORMOUS PAINS IN THE ASS), the dogs, The Boy OR me) anywhere near her. And if we did, she’s growl and run away. With the mouse in her mouth.

Which I mean, great! I don’t really want the mouse near me, anyway, and a dead mouse in her mouth is one less live one anywhere near my casa. Which, like I said, is great! And also that shows how well she’s doing… right? Right.

Except, ew. Dead mouse.