I knew I should have written it down.

They’re gone now. The wisdom, the beauty. I told myself I should get up, force myself out of bed, to record these thoughts. They’re fleeting, after all, and all too rare these days.

But I didn’t. Of course.

OF COURSE.

—–

I go through phases. With food, with music. For example, last month I was all about Oreo Cakesters and “Springsteen.”

Now, it’s homemade banana chips. And “Springsteen.” Though, that’s slowly changing to “Even If It Breaks Your Heart.”

And banana popsicles.

—–

Next week, my son turns 6 months old. SIX MONTHS.

He’s not a babybaby anymore. Every day, he turns into more and more of a little boy.

Personality galore. Sense of humor.

He’s growing up way too fast. Time is passing by too quickly.

He gets tired (sometimes) of me holding him. He gets excited to see me when I get home from work. He has inside jokes with his dad.

He’s growing up way. too. fast.

—–

Bloggers in Sin City is happening. I mean, like, RIGHT NOW. IT’S HAPPENING AS I TYPE THIS. And it’s killing me. (See also: hyperbole.) I miss everyone so much! I miss Vegas! The sparkles!

Photo not mine and I'm too lazy to find/link to its rightful owner. SORRY!

I’m going next year. #BiSC or bust.

I had another breakdown today.

I’m not even really sure what happened, but I know it had something to do with a dirty house and I’m pretty sure there was well-intended joke from my husband.

Side note: I think he’s right that I’ve lost some of my sense of humor.

(But don’t tell him I said that.)

Before I knew what was happening, I was alone in the house, collapsed on my bed in a fit of tears.

What the fuck?

Postpartum depression can be such a persistent bitch.

Photo: soonerpa

I'd totally attempt surfing if I lived near the ocean. And, you know, if I weren't also too scared of drowning and death. And sharks. And jelly fish!

Simone wrote a post recently about things she feels like she should like but doesn’t, and it got me thinking. I don’t really have a list of things I don’t like but feel like I should… but there are a LOT of things I LOVE but don’t have time and/or energy to do them anymore.

So, here are some of them.

Exhibit I: Blogging

Oh, blogging. Writing. Reading. Interacting. I miss blogging itself, but also all the little social media bits that come with blogging, like Twitter! And I wish I had more time for Instagram now that it’s available on Android. By the time I get off work every day, I’m wiped. out. I miss having the energy to actively engage in the blogging community. There are so many fantastic blogs out there, run by fantastic people, and I miss them. Link. Link. Link. Link. Link.

Sigh.

Exhibit II: Family & Friends

Aside from my work friends, whom I see every day (because I have to, you know, work), and my in-laws who are within a few minutes’ drive… I don’t see my family or friends much. And, by the way? IT SUCKS. I miss my mom. I miss my sister and brother and nieces and their families. LIKE WHOA.

Exhibit III: Games

If it weren’t for Angry Birds and Scramble/Words With Friends on my phone (and my phone being the only one-handed form of entertainment I can handle while nursing E) I wouldn’t get to play any games at all. I used to play all kinds of games online, and it’s really kind of a bummer that I haven’t been able to for so long. I miss my Sims family!

Exhibit … 4 (IV? I never was any good at Roman numerals): Husband

I love, love, love my life right now, but if there’s one thing I would do differently if given the chance… I’d definitely choose to have more married time with P before our son was born. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m neglecting the hell out of him, and even though all my focus is on our child, I feel a bit guilty about not giving P the attention he deserves. (And boy, does he deserve it. Have I mentioned lately that he basically saved my sanity and life during the first couple months of E’s life? Cuz yeah. He did. Gotta give credit where credit is due.)

Exhibit ALL THE OTHER THINGS

I used to do my nails. I’d switch out my purse daily to match my clothes. I would actually GET BORED of the internet. I definitely took alone time for granted. I would go shopping just to look at stuff (as opposed to running frantically through a store trying to get everything on my list as fast as humanly possible) BECAUSE I HAD TIME (AND ENERGY) TO DO THAT. I drove fast because it was fun, not because I was perpetually 15 minutes late.

What do you wish you had more time and energy to do?

Photo: Fathzer

I’ve never been one to back down from a fight. I don’t like to admit defeat. I’m not unaccustomed to experiencing revelations.

I can’t do it all, and I certainly can’t do it all alone.

This is the first time I’ve been able to say that comfortably. That’s not to say it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to say it, but at least I don’t feel wrong about it. This is also the first time I’ve said that without feeling like I should be able to do it all.

I shouldn’t. Despite all my badassery, I’m not Superwoman. I can’t work a full-time job AND keep the house clean (with four dogs, that’s a full-time job on its own) AND have dinner ready when my husband gets home from work AND spend quality time with my son each day. There aren’t enough hours.

I can’t do it all. So I won’t try to anymore.

Focus on the important. Forget the rest.

——

What goes around comes around, honey. You won’t get too far in life talking shit, and even though you think you can, you can’t do it all on your own, either. Just remember that next time you need some help.

——

Somewhere, among the diaper boxes full of unwanted and outgrown clothing… under last week’s laundry waiting to be put away, beneath the dust and clutter, there’s a life. There are memories of date nights and late nights, high heels and low-cut tops. Sweet kisses, deep kisses, I-want-more kisses.

Somewhere, between the sighs of exasperation and desperation, through the moans and groans… there is good.

There are smiles with the frowns, laughter despite tears.

Somewhere.

Photo: Brandon Grasley

E at 4 months old

Then I went to college and had to, horror of all horrors, take summer classes so I could graduate on time. That was my first summer vacationless summer. (But, I still had my spring break, so it was all good.)

THEN I GRADUATED from college and went to work at the newspaper and lost all forms of breaks and vacations. Depending on what days holidays fell, I even had to work on holidays. It, in a nutshell, sucked.

Then I started my current job… and All Of The Vacations came back! Four days for Thanksgiving! Two weeks for Christmas! Spring break! Three-day weekends all summer! Yes, yes, yessssss!

And then.

And then.

I started realizing how different my spring breaks are now compared to then.

Then: Spring break to visit my bff in LA!

Now: Monday of spring break spent baking cinnamon rolls!

Then: Party party party party SPRINGBREAKPARTYOMGWOOOOO!!!!!!

Now: Tired at 6:30 pm. In bed by 8:00 pm.

Then: What day is it?

Now: What day is it?

Well I guess one thing hasn’t changed.

Which all leads me to ask, when the hell did I grow up? I mean, let’s be honest. I have a spreadsheet to track our bills. Also, they are “our” bills, not “my” bills. About a month ago, I realized I was too busy/tired/overwhelmed to even clean the house, so I hired a (high school student) house cleaner. Side note: It’s wonderful.

Honestly, I just completely lost my whole point. Babies will do that to a girl.

So, to sum it up? I love spring break, and holy shit I’m an adult.

Or something.

CUTE PICTURE OF BABY E!

Now, moving on…

I didn’t go to counseling. I chickened out. In fact, two days before my appointment, I called to cancel. And then I lied to the receptionist, telling her I was going to reschedule.

I had no intention of rescheduling. I still have no intention of rescheduling.

The thought of counseling, of going to therapy, was just too much. A lot of it was the cost… almost $300 for the initial evaluation, then more than $100 for each 20-minute session after that. And I’m not even sure my insurance would cover any of it.

So, I cancelled. And it’s easy to blame it on the finances, but I’m kidding myself if I think that’s the reason. The reason? I don’t know. I just know I couldn’t do it.

I do know that things have gotten better. I don’t know if it’s because E is older now and that we’re getting things figured out, or if it’s because the hormones in the birth control I started taking have evened me out a little. Truth is, though, I don’t really care what the cause/reason is… I just know I’m doing better. That’s really all that matters.

Because now, I have the ability to fully enjoy this…

… without wanting to hurl myself off a cliff.

(Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all fun and games around here. I’m dealing, and things are getting better… but like I posted on Facebook not too long ago, “Postpartum depression is a persistent bitch.”)

Photo: We Heart It

When I was younger – we’re talking early high school, here – I was… well, I’ve never liked the term “religious,” so I’ll call it spiritual. I believed in God and Jesus and the whole bit. I identified myself as a “Christian” (even if I didn’t act like a Christian is supposed to act… but I would come to discover that that hypocrisy is actually pretty common in “Christians”).

Sometime after I turned 16 and lost my dad, I got away from all of that. I rebelled, acted out, whatever you want to call it… I did my own thing. It wasn’t until I was in college, though, that I began to identify myself as agnostic.

The way I understand agnosticism is that one cannot know whether God does or doesn’t exist. It’s vastly different from atheism in that atheists don’t believe in God. Agnostics believe His existence can’t be proven to be true or false.

I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of fate or destiny. I think that was always my biggest problem with Christianity – the idea that we were all living out part of God’s plan. That idea, the way I understand it, doesn’t leave any room for us to make our own choices. I firmly believe that our daily actions and decisions have direct consequences on our lives. 

All of that being said…

Having a child has made me question some of my beliefs. While I’m uncomfortable with the word “miracle,” Baby E is about as close to a miracle as I believe there is. Our son’s existence is a very, very special thing. 

Baby E at 3 months! Yes, those are Carhartts.

Along the same lines, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of “soul males” or that two people are “destined to be together.” But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that P is the only one for me and that we will love each other for the rest of our lives. The fact that we found each other is a very, very special thing.

So many of my thoughts, feelings, and worldviews are completely different now than they were a year ago.

They don’t tell you that having a child will change your heart and soul. They don’t tell you that despite all the ups and downs and stress, that it will be the best thing you ever did in your entire life and you will thank God – even if you don’t believe in God – every day for this new blessing in your life.

And I won one! I won a package of six BiSC cookies and the chance to host a giveaway for one of my readers to win their very own cookies! Six of them, to be exact.

This is where I would typically put a picture of the BiSC cookies I won… but I ate them all. Sorry I’m not sorry. They’re effing awesome.

Want to win some cookies? Just visit Bitter Baking Company’s website and leave a comment here telling me what cookies you’d choose if you won. I’ll accept entries until Thursday, March 15, 2012 at midnight, and announce the winner on Friday!

Ready? GO!