I won’t be posting them all here daily – I’ll probably do a weekly roundup of my photos – but here’s today:

February 1: My view today

Oh, How Pinteresting Wednesdays are hosted by The Vintage Apple. Are you on Pinterest? Follow me!

Repurposing old/holey/too-small jeans. Oh, so many cute things to do for little girls!

When I (finally) get my office set up, I am DEFINITELY doing something like this above my desk. It would save me SO much desk space!

I love the idea of hanging mushy stuff like this in our bedroom.

Why isn't this a normal thing in kitchens?

For our next photo session...

Oh, How Pinteresting Wednesdays are hosted by The Vintage Apple. Are you on Pinterest? Follow me!

Oh, Pinterest. It’s a scary little piece of social media – I’m finding my online world colliding head-first with my IRL world. Family members have found me on Pinterest, which links both to my blog and Twitter. Neat! I finally said, fuck it, and put my blog URL on my Facebook profile and added Networked Blogs.

MOVING ON. Pinterest is fun.

I need some sort of schedule to keep my sanity. I think this one would work, except I definitely have to clean our floors more often than once a week.

When (if?) we finally (ever?) get our guest bedroom/my office set up in the basement - with a new floor because the carpet is awful - I would LOVE something like this. Love.

My friend, Katherine, makes me awesome glitter shoes. She has an Etsy shop and you should check it out.

I've been dreaming about a salad like this for DAYS.

Funny - though it might be more funny to me if my husband wasn't the one who usually cooks for us. (He's a keeper.)

FUCKING PERFECT. A place to hang purses. The chair/desk/COMPUTER IS RIGHT THERE. I die. I can't even imagine what the area for shoes looks like.

Ugh, two sentences into a post and I’m already off topic. This isn’t about going back to work. This is about postpartum.

The truth about postpartum is that it’s real, and it’s ugly and it’s hard. I spend most weekdays just trying to survive until my husband gets home from work. A logical, sane person would prefer their 8-week-old child be awake for at least parts of the day – you know, so that said child is more likely to sleep at least part of the night – but most days I beg him to “sleep, pleeeeease sleep” because, more often than not, that’s all I feel I can handle on my own.

So many days I feel like I’m drowning. Each day, hour, minute feels like an eternity and sometimes I just don’t know how I’ll possibly make it to the next day, hour, minute. And then E will smile and, for a moment, I forget.

I love my son. With more of my heart than I ever thought it was possible to love another human being. The love I have for this little man is absolutely impossible to describe, and it’s something only other moms can understand.

I always feel like I have to say that before I admit to how hard All Of This is on me. The negativity surrounding postpartum makes me feel like if I admit that shit is tough, it means I don’t love my son.

I’m here to say that the two are unrelated. I’m here to say that a mom can simultaneously be head over heels in love with her child and want to jump off a bridge from the stress of being a mother. I’m here to say that postpartum is nothing to be ashamed of, despite how little it’s talked about.

I’m here to bring light to postpartum, to bring it front and center instead of having it be something that has to be sought out.

It’s taken me some time to come to terms with the idea that I may be suffering from postpartum depression. I was in denial, then afraid to consider it, then ashamed to admit it, then pissed off that I was afraid and ashamed of it.

Sure, it’s hard to admit the difficulties that come with being a mom. After all, I made this choice. I put myself in this position. (Well, I did have some help, nudge nudge wink wink.) This is my baby. How could I possibly have any bad thoughts?

Before E was born, I would glance at that (SMALL) sections in pregnancy literature about postpartum and think, “What bullshit. These women. Really? THAT’S YOUR BABY, JUST TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABY.”

I’m here to tell you that me thinking postpartum = bullshit? WAS BULLSHIT.

So while it’s hard to admit that being a mom is difficult, and that more than I’d like to admit I’ve thought about hurting myself, hurting my husband, and hurting my baby… it’s also not my fault. And this isn’t a way to get out of taking responsibility if I do hurt myself, my husband or my baby (because, thankfully, it hasn’t come to that). Because postpartum is real, and it sucks.

I took the first step last week at my check-up, admitting to my doctor that I’m having a rough time.

“I have good days and I have bad days. I have good moments and I have bad moments. On my good days, during my good moments, I feel like I have a handle on things. But on my bad days, during my bad moments, I feel like I’m in a hole, by myself, and I can’t get out. You know?” I told her as tears welled up in my eyes. And that day was one of my good days.

So, she asked me a series of questions. Basic, generic questions about my mental state that I ranked on a scale of 1-4, from “never” to “always.” She told me that a score of six or higher was generally considered a cause for concern of postpartum depression. I scored 12.

So now I’ll be attempting some therapy, hopefully. It’s unclear to me at this point if my insurance even covers the therapy I’d be receiving, so I’m not sure I’ll be keeping the appointment I have for later this week. Therapy is expensive, and I have other free options that would put a lot less stress on me.

Next step: acceptance.

Photo: We Heart It

They tell you about the pains of pregnancy, the pains of labor and birth, the pains of recovery and the pains of postpartum. They tell you warning signs of pre-term labor, how to tell if you’re actually in actual labor, and how you might (gasp!) pee or poop during delivery. They tell you that you might get stitches down there because of the ripping/tearing, that hormones are still going crazy even after your pregnancy is over, and that breastfeeding isn’t always easy.

But there’s a lot of shit they don’t tell you. This is some of that.

They don’t tell you that pregnancy and motherhood, especially as a first-timer, so so damn difficult. And they don’t tell you that when you see your child smiling and laughing, it makes all the tough stuff seem so much less important. Like, not at all important.

Okay, so I’m a liar and they actually do tell you that. You just won’t believe it until you live it.

They tell you about the pains of pregnancy, the pains of labor and birth, the pains of recovery and the pains of postpartum. They tell you warning signs of pre-term labor, how to tell if you’re actually in actual labor, and how you might (gasp!) pee or poop during delivery. They tell you that you might get stitches down there because of the ripping/tearing, that hormones are still going crazy even after your pregnancy is over, and that breastfeeding isn’t always easy.

But there’s a lot of shit they don’t tell you. This is some of that.

NOTE: I talk about vaginal bleeding below. You’ve been warned.

They don’t tell you pregnancy pains come is all shapes and sizes. They talk about back aches, but what about those two ribs that you’re pretty sure are dislocated? They don’t tell you that, for the last month or two of your pregnancy, you may or not be able to breath.

They don’t tell you that your tailbone could pop during delivery, causing you to think for weeks that your tailbone is actually broken. I didn’t even know tailbones could pop, but apparently… they can. Because mine did. TMI ahead: P said he heard my tailbone pop during delivery, but didn’t know what it was at the time. When my doc came to check on me before I was released from the hospital, she told us that my tailbone had popped, and P said, “THAT’S what that noise was?” He said it sounded like a really dry, thick stick/twig snapped in half. And then he looked horrified. And I whimpered in pain. My tailbone is still sore, and it’s been almost four weeks since E was born.

They don’t tell you that walking after delivery is a very, very bad idea… and the more you’re on your feet, the more you’ll bleed. They warn you to stay off your feet as much as possible, but seriously, stay off your feet as much as possible. They’re not fucking around with this one.

They don’t tell you how badly your stitches will itch and be uncomfortable, and that you may want to actually rip your vagina off because the itch is so intense. Discomfort doesn’t even begin to describe it. The itch is so bad it hurts, but you can’t describe it as a “pain.”

They don’t tell you that you’re probably going to threaten your baby in one way or another. “You’re are SO going to be an only child.” “I’m just gonna throw you out the fucking window.” “SHUT UP!” It doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. It just means you’ve gotten precisely ZERO sleep and are clinging to your last bit of sanity by a thread.

They don’t tell you that you may, at some point, want to actually kill your husband. Because, as a friend said to be earlier this week, you couldn’t kill your own child, so you’d rather just kill the man who helped you create that child. Because everything he does is wrong. Baby’s crying and he rushes to the rescue, to help you help the baby not cry? I AM HIS MOTHER I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP. Baby’s crying and he leaves you alone? WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU COME IN AND TRY TO HELP ME? You’re feeding the baby but you’re hungry, too, so he goes to make dinner? WHY AREN’T YOU IN HERE SPENDING TIME WITH US SINCE YOU’RE NEVER HOME? Husband goes to work for 10+ hours a day to “bring home the bacon” so Baby can have everything his little heart desires? YOU’RE NEVER AROUND THIS CHILD ASSHOLE SO DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE HIM. Oh, hormones.

They don’t tell you that breastfeeding is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, even if it seems to be “working” for you. You’ll have feedings that you deem complete disasters. Milk will fly everywhere. Before your milk comes in, you’ll stress that your baby isn’t getting enough to eat. After your milk comes in, you’ll rue the day you decided to breastfeed exclusively because when the FUCK are you supposed to sleep? They don’t tell you that, on more than one occasion, you’ll shoot your baby in the eye with an uncontrollable stream of milk.

They don’t tell you you’re going to lose your fucking mind.

They don’t tell you you’ll want to give up, or that you’ll wonder why (why, why, WHY) you thought it was a good idea to procreate in the first place. They don’t tell you you’ll hate yourself, hate your husband, hate your child, hate everybody and everything. They don’t tell you you’ll second guess your ability to be a parent, let alone a good parent. They don’t tell you about the hours (and hoursss) your newborn will spend screaming, and that you’ll scream right back (and threaten, and throw things, and and AND AND AND…). They don’t tell you how often you’ll cry, or how angry you’ll get, or how sometimes you might not feel like you love your child because of All The Screaming.

They don’t tell you any of that.

January

I started the 30-Day Letter Project. I was lonely. I was not looking forward to 2011. I started the Joy Equation.

February

I didn’t blog much, but I explained why I stand with Planned Parenthood and tried to focus on the little things.

March

I struggled with the idea of turning 25. I listened to my gut (thankgod). P turned 28.

April

I signed up for Bloggers in Sin City. I talked about getting married and having babies, which is funny because we also found out I was pregnant in April. I shared my love for my little town.

May

I announced my pregnancy and then P and I got engaged. I missed writing. I started planning our wedding and fell in love with bloggers in Vegas.

June

I missed my dad on Father’s Day and struggled with body image during my pregnancy.

July

I celebrated Independence Day. I got stressed about the wedding but then we got married so the stress wasn’t really worth it.

August

I turned 25, shared a bunch of wedding photos and appreciated the path that led me to where I am today.

September

I started to freak out a little about E’s arrival.

October

I worked on the nursery, had two baby showers, and admitted that I suck at dealing with anger and picking my battles.

November

I frantically tried to get everything ready at work for my sub during my maternity leave. Callie had puppies. I missed my family on Thanksgiving. I became a mother.

December

I still haven’t finished the 30-Day Letter Project. I struggled (and continue to struggle) with all things postpartum. I missed my family at Christmas-time. Baby E turned a month old (post coming soon!). I set a big goal for 2012.

Photo credits in original posts. Featured image via We Heart It.

But I’m determined to make 2012 my year. Nothing’s going to get in my way, and nothing’s going to get me down.

For 2012, my word is

PEACE.

Peace of mind.

Peace of heart.

To be at peace with my home, my life.

… what I have and what I don’t have;

… what I want and how to get it;

… what I don’t want and how to avoid it.

Acceptance, appreciation and sincere gratitude for the people and things in my life. Reframing my thoughts. Discarding the negativity. Examples:

• Yes, our basement and garage are complete and utter disasters. They are downright embarrassing and you couldn’t pay me to allow anybody I actually care about to enter either areas.
  BUT >>> We have a basement. And a garage. And a house big enough that I don’t ever have to actually go into either of them. A house big enough that I can fully ignore them.
• Yes, money is tight right now. P is finally back to work after five months of being laid off, but I’m on maternity leave. The only way we can afford to keep living life the way we’re accustomed (which isn’t fancy, by the way), is for both of us to bring home a paycheck. We couldn’t afford to buy Christmas gifts and paying bills is going to take some imagination.
  BUT >>> We have money stashed in a few different places that I’d just prefer not to use. We have money. I just don’t want to use it. (Talk about #firstworldproblems.)

You get the idea.

I shall rise above.

Photo: We Heart It

Oh, How Pinteresting Wednesdays are hosted by The Vintage Apple. Are you on Pinterest? Follow me!

Good grief. I can’t believe I haven’t posted in a week! I’d apologize for that, but… I’m not sorry. I’ve been spending time with Baby E, trying to adapt to P being back at work and squeezing in sleep whenever I can. BUT. Apparently today is Wednesday and I do love me some Pinterest, so here we go.

Cover a flat cookie sheet with fabric to create a decorative, magnetic board. Um, HELLO. So cute. Once I get my office set up (after moving it to the basement to make room for Baby E), I'm definitely making one of these.

I don't even need to say anything about this... except, AWESOME.

Holy adorable. The search is on for hunting apparel in our house to do something similar that fits our lifestyle.

I'm not sure if I could pull this off, but I love the look.

I'm not really a DIY-er (or a headband kind of girl), but these are super cute.

Oh, How Pinteresting Wednesdays are hosted by The Vintage Apple. Are you on Pinterest? Follow me!

The journalist in me loves this!

I want these, I don't even care that P doesn't drink coffee.

= bow chicka wow wow. A common phrase in my house, because of its hilarity.

I'm totes making two of these - one for meals and one for activities.

DIY quilted stockings! I love the idea of homemade stockings for my family instead of plain store-bought ones.

Erin and Erin B. Inspired tagged me in this meme, and really… well, I like filling out surveys (and I’m a little excited that she thought to tag ME – I love her blog, so go check it out if you haven’t already!) so what the heck?

THE RULES

1. You must post these rules.
2. Each person must post 11 things about themselves on their blog.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 people to tag and link them on the post. Go to their page and tell them you have linked him or her.
5. No tag backs and you legitimately have to tag 11 people.

11 FACTS ABOUT MYSELF

1. I was raised around hunting (mainly deer/elk, but my husband hunts – or would like to hunt – just about every kind of game out there) but couldn’t imagine killing anything myself.
2. … but I realllllly like to eat the meat!
3. Since about 1/3 of the way through my pregnancy, I haven’t been able to stomach stuffed pastas (ravioli, etc.)… forget about eating it, I can’t even think about the stuff. Still.
4. I ate my first hot dog at the age of 21. Before that, I swore I hated them.
5. I was one of the first in my family to graduate from a 4-year university. Go Cougs!
6. In college, I studied journalism and still love the field (specifically, copy editing and newspaper design), but working in journalism just isn’t for me.
7. Because of studying journalism, I’m very picky about grammar. Example: I hate it when people say “over $300″ when they really mean “more than $300.”
8. I watch entirely too much Law & Order: SVU and NCIS. I am not ashamed.
9. One of the best birthday gifts I ever received was a half flat of strawberries from my big sister. I love strawberries.
10. I can’t imagine life without dogs. I complain about them a lot (The hair! It’s everywhere! The mess! I can’t keep this place clean! Blah blah blah!) but I LOVE our dogs.
11. I am overwhelmed by the thought of writing E’s birth story, but it’s something I really, really want to do.

ERIN’S QUESTIONS

1. Where is one place (city, state, or country) that you are dying to visit?
   Paris. Rome. London. Greece. EUROPE. Australia. New Zealand.
2. What is your bed time?
   Ha! What’s that? I (try to) sleep when E sleeps… which, lately, has only been during the day. Apparently he’s like his mama and is a bit of a night owl in his younger years. Example: Last night he was awake from 10:30 pm to 5:00 am. FIVE IN THE MORNING. 
3. What is one resolution or goal you have for 2012?
   Increase my patience. I’ve never been a very patient person, and dealing with a newborn with my low levels of patience is not easy, y’all.
4. What would be your last supper?
   My mom’s fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, with my grandma’s potato salad, a fresh green salad and some pumpkin pie. And strawberry cheesecake.
5. If you could eat a meal with one person, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
   My dad… I miss him.
6. What is your favorite animal?
   Dogs! I can’t live without ‘em.
7. What is your dream job?
   I don’t know about you, but I think the cast of Myth Busters has it pretty good.
8. Who is your hero?
   After going through labor (and the aftermath) and becoming a mother, I have a whole new respect for my mom. Case in point: She was back to work full-time TWO WEEKS after having me. Good grief. I can’t even.
9. When you need a snack, do you reach for sweet or salty? (Bonus points if you list your favorite snack.)
   Usually salty, but lately I’ve been all about the sweet.
10. Does your style have a signature? (For example, [Erin's] known for bold colors and loud prints.)
    Not really. These days, I’m lucky if my personal styles involves a shower within the last 24 hours.
11. What is your favorite book?
    I really enjoyed “The Help.” And of course, there’s Harry Potter. There’s always Harry Potter.

MY QUESTIONS

1. What is your favorite TV series?
2. What is your favorite holiday, and why?
3. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
4. PC or Mac?
5. Tea, coffee or hot chocolate?
6. Why do you do the job you do?
7. What is the best advice you’ve ever received?
8. Why is dealing with the Social Security office such an immense pain in the ass?
9. What is the best way for you to learn something? (e.g., watching someone else do it, reading, doing it yourself)
10. “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Discuss.
11. What is the best restaurant you’ve ever visited, and where is it? (And are there any in Washington state?)

I’M TAGGING…

Nobody. Sorry, I’m a grinch (and also tired and strapped for time – when oh when will Baby E wake up?!) so I’m not actually going to tag anyone… but if you decide to play along and answer the questions I supplied above, please let me know!

Giveaway Winners

Because it’s the holidays… (and that’s just the kind of thing you do during the holidays)…

I decided to give away THREE $25 promo codes to overnightprints.com. That’s right, not two, but three.

Merry Christmas!

And the winners (chosen at random by random.org) are:

1. Stephanie
2. Sara
3. Suki

Congratulations! The winners should have already received an email from me.

Happy shopping!

Photo: alohavictoria